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Radio Episode 4 Annotated Transcript
Stephen: We present Whose Line Is It Anyway? and here's your chairman, Clive Anderson: Hello and welcome to another edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway? the radio improvisation program. Once again we bring to the microphone the wittiest, funniest, and cleverest talents available in the country today. But enough about me, let's introduce the contestants: * As usual we have Stephen Fry, a man of many parts, some of which he'll be using in the course of the programme tonight * And John Sessions, our other regular, whose prodigious performing skills it would be impossible to describe, as well as he does * Joining them are actress and star singer and TV personality, Kate Robbins * And finally I'm pleased to welcome a very close personal acquaintance of mine, Griff Rhys Jones, whose comic partnership with Mel Smith has been frequently compared to that of Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, and not always unfavourably Ladies and gentlemen, the contestants. Authors Now, our first game is called "Authors". In a moment, the panel are going to be given by the studio audience a subject or a title for a story to tell, and they'll take their turns to continue telling it, and they'll move on from contestant to contestant at the sound of this noise: buzz. And they'll be telling the story in the style of an author that each of them has selected for his or her self. So, first of all, I'll ask the contestants which author they've selected. So, Stephen, who've you gone for? Stephen: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Longfellow, jolly good. And Kate? Kate: Edna O'Brien. Edna O'Brien, alrighty. And Griff? Griff: Um, Edward Lear. Um Edward Lear. Griff: Right. Jolly good. Is that related to the The Edward Lear? I'd have thought so. John, who are you doing? John: J.R.R. Tolkien. Tolkien, oh, well, that a popular choice there. I think three people have read it. Now, now, now of course, we need a subject for a story for them to tell. Anybody got a suggestion for the subject, or a title, like, you know, A Day in the Life of a Penny or something like that? Don't all come at once! : Pantomime. Pantomime, that's not a bad suggestion, but then again, it's not a good one. Could we, could we have more like a title, more descriptive thing, to give them some...? : Iran-gate. Sorry. : Iran-gate. Iran-gate, yes, a bit long that, actually... : A Christmas Carol A Christmas Carol. Well, yes, that's very suitable for March, when this is being broadcast, but, but why not? But why not? Let's do A Christmas Carol. Griff: The tension is killing me here. Kate: Are we doing pantomime? No, we're doing Christmas Carol. Stephen: We're doing Christmas Carol. So, starting off with Stephen, in the style of your author, who if I remember was Longfellow. Stephen: Yeah. Right. There's a time in late December; in late December, there's a time. There's a time you sing your carols; sing your carols in December. Sing them, sing them, sing them, son of Hiawatha, Minnehahaha. Sing your, sing your carols, sing them loud. Sing them now, sing them proud. Sing your carols, sing your carols, sing them, sing them. Sing them inside, sing them outside. Sing them upside-down and sing them right-side. Sing them now, sing them then. Sing them, sing them, sing them again. buzz Kate: "Carols? That's what they sing at Christmas, isn't it, Bernadette?" said Connie as she kissed the inside of the priest's nostril. "I love singin' carols, only I wish Jesus would go out with me." She pulled on her printed smock and said, "Don't be so silly, Bernadette. You know Jesus loves you anyway, but not in a sexual way." buzz Griff: There was a young woman of Eire, who had a bit of holly in her hair. She sat on a leaf, on that bit down beneath, that silly young woman from Eire. buzz John: Aragorn looked at the window. It was frosted, frosted as the riders rode across the road. Why were they bringing a lantern with them? "It's easy," said Strider, son of Lider, son of Mider, Guider, Rider. "They are the elves, come to sing to us." "Will it be, will it be 'Once in Royal David City'?" shouted Pippin, his face crackling in the firelight. "Oh, no. It is the Elven Carol, 'Cara Mua Hera Bel, Bura Cura Bera Buron'." buzz Stephen: Curas Muras, son of Buras, easy water riding lightly. It's the... buzz Kate: Poor little town of Bethlehem, you're nothing like Dublin. buzz Griff: In the land of the Pingo Pongo, where the Jingo Jongo joes, there was a Bingo Bongo with a great big red ole nose. Well, the Pingo Pongo pangles and the Bingo Dangle does, they sang a Christmas carol. buzz John: They finished their singing, and the light grew across the hill. The light grew brighter and brighter. Big flames like swords dashed out towards Mordor. There they came, running towards them, the Nazgûl, those awful nasal people who sound like folk singers, singing one carol after another, one after another they sang and flew higher into the heights of Mordor. Down they flew, depth by depth like the long nostrils of Brian Johnson. Down and deep they went, into the depths, and then we realized we had no change for the carol singers. buzz Thank you very much. Thank you. Uh, I've got to award some points there, and I think it'd be invidious to really distinguish between any of the performances there, always fine that. Well, it reduces my role as a scorer, I suppose, but let's give you ten points each for that, just to start off. Okay? Genre Option Now, now the next game I can't pronounce. It's called "Genre Option", and I give two players the setting of a scene, and they have to improvise that little scene. At any point, I stop them with a buzz buzz and they have to continue the scene, uh but in the uh, style, different theater style or film style or different genre. Okay, so we start off with Stephen and Griff and um, I want you to act, if you would, an alien landing and being met by an Earthling, an Earth man. So, perhaps Griff, you could be the alien as you're more obviously alien uh, to most, most things, and Stephen, can you be the Earthling? That sort of part you could probably bring yourself to do. And the different styles I'd like the studio audience to suggest when we buzz and wait for a new style. Uh, so, starting off, acting the scene first of all with no particular style, well some style obviously will be warranted, and uh, and then we'll buzz and interrupt you. So, Stephen and Griff. Griff: noises Stephen: Why, it sounds as though there's a cappuccino machine somewhere. Um, buzz Have we got another style to go into? : Fifties documentary. Fifties documentary, okay, go ahead. Griff: Greetings, Earthling. I've come from the other side of the universe to see what's going on here on this little planet Earth. Stephen: My! Here's a jolly little fellow, and don't the kids love him? Griff: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen: That just shows Britain can make it after all. buzz Another style? : The Clangers. Stephen: The Clangers. Far away... The Clangers. Is, is that an English word, or is... Do you know what that means? Stephen: Yes. Griff: No. So, we'll have to have something that we uh... : Western. War and Peace. Okay, well let's go with a Western then. That was the, that was the other suggestion. Griff: A Western. Oh, sorry. Stephen: Well, who the hell have we got here? Griff: Oh I knew I... Hello stranger. I just kinda landed my little space machine here in your corral. Stephen: Just exactly what're you doin' in this town, mister? Griff: I come here because... Stephen: Because? Griff: I wanted to work slow. buzz Another genre? Theater? Sorry? : Melodrama. Melodrama. Melodrama. Or a Griffin melodrama... Stephen: You fiend, you unutterable fiend, you hound of hell, you dog! You animal. You should die like a cur! Griff: Oh, Sir Jasper, how could you talk to me like that? Stephen: You have traduced the good name of my family and of my little Emily. You're a whore, a scarlet-painted strumpet trollop woman, but I love you! buzz Thank you very much. Yes. Let's end on that. I think that's very good and uh, fifteen points each there for that. I think those very good contributions. So, now we move on to John and Kate, and could we have you playing a plumber and a housewife? And so, as before, if you start off acting, and then we'll switch to styles as we get to them. Kate: sigh John: Did you need to use the washing machine later on today? Kate: It's the second time this week I've 'ad me pipes seen to. John: You want free innuendo, right? Anyhow, I'll tell you what I'll do... buzz A style? : Musical. Musical. Okay, musical. Kate: Oh, I love you. Do you love my sink? Oh, I really hope that you think that I'm lovely, just lovely. Come and see to my water. John: To your water. I'll tell you what I will do. It's stainless steel. It's easy as a breeze. Kate: Is it really? I'll tell you what you'll do. You turn me on, so let's go upstairs for a sneeze. John: A freeze? I'll tell you what I'll do. Kate: What're you gonna do? John: I'll bring my spanner, bring my brother Jake along. We'll sing. Yes, we'll sing. Kate: I don't wanna see Jake. I know he won't be nice as you. You're so lovely. John: ...him of it. We'll do some Sondheim, some Sondheim. buzz Another style to follow that? : Shakespeare. Shakespeare. John: Plumber's butt in the sky may gibbous high as a corn crake but not as low as thee, my lady. Kate: I can't answer that. buzz Another one? : Carry On. Horror. Horror. Okay. Horror. Kate: Listen, really, some awful, some things that are clinging inside the drain that are stuck to the tube that are stuck to the pipes and gasp John: Do exactly what I tell you. Go back to your room tonight, get the spanner, get the bag. Kate: Yes. John: Put it beside the bed. Do not under any circumstances go beyond the window tonight. If you do, you will not be raped by a plumber, but instead, even worse, by a window cleaner. Do you understand? buzz Another style? : Children's television. Children's television. That seemed to get a popular vote, yes. Kate: Let's go through the round window and look at what's happening with the plumbing there. John: That's a large sink, isn't it? It's a bit like Psylla and Charybdis, isn't it, for people who go to private schools? buzz Thank you very much. Well, we went down some bizarre roads there, but I think, I think ten points each there, ten points each there the score. Improvising a Rap Now, a very exciting moment, we're going to go on to Improvising a Rap. I'll give them a nice, very, very popular game, except, except with anybody who has to do it. Um, now can we get a nice topic for... : James Anderton. James Anderton. Not not bad, but limiting, really, I mean obviously not to James Anderton himself but uh, more general than that. General Anderton. General Gordon. Anyone? Another suggestion? Sorry? : After the bomb drops. After the bomb drops. Mmm, a bit too cheery. Any other sugg... : The NHS. The NHS. You know, there's not much of that left, is there? Haha, satire. Griff: Will somebody shout out what he's asking to hear? Whatever it is? I'm just waiting for one they have rehearsed. Griff: We got the subject holidays early on, how about that? I think, unfortunately, we have heard... Griff: I think we've had about five or six. We could all get going on those. You're just trying to make it difficult for us, aren't you? Yes. Now any, any other, any other suggestions? A nice general topic? : Tabloid newspapers Tabloid newspapers. No, more general than that. You really want to do tabloid newspapers? Griff: In for a pence. "The Newspaper Rap", can we do "The Newspaper Rap"? Starting with the drumbeats as of now, starting with John and working down that way. John: England's into democracy, it's into bein' free 'n' No comment, no FP'in I'm sayin' the best darn thing to read is The Sun An' if you don't like tits at least you can have fun Clive: Yes, yes, yes Griff: I was reading my paper the other day And what do I see in the headline it say That James Anderton is the king of the crop He's a man who never know when to stop He thinks he's God, he thinks he's the Lord But I don't care because he's... makin' me bored Kate: I said, I opened up my page the other day I saw Sammy Fox; she had nothing to say And she was standing there, she had some bits And then I looked at her great big... long hair She's blonde, she's so horrible I don't like her; nothing rhymes with horrible Press that buzzer, whatever you do If you don't press it now, I'm gonna hit hit you! buzz Stephen: Well I was goin' on holiday with my baby dachshund No, I'm sorry, I just can't do the accent Um, I was uh, going on holiday; I was rather annoyed Because uh, well I started to think about the great British tabloid And I realised on holiday, I was like the editor of a certain one Because there I was, lying in The Sun Party Pieces Thank you very much. Thank you. We'll end on that. Thank you. Well, I think you must deserve at least twenty points each, so I'll give you five each. And we'll move on to something... I don't know why it's called "Party Pieces", but this round, the pairs play different games. Interview First of all, we're going to get Griff and Stephen to play together. Stephen: Bravo. And Stephen is going to be conducting an interview in the manner of uh, somebody from The Times Literary Supplement, and Griff, the character being interviewed, will be in the character of some historical character which somebody in the audience might suggest. : Henry the Eighth. Henry the Eighth, that seems fair enough. Griff will be playing Henry the Eighth, and Stephen will be interviewing him as though he was from The Times Literary Supplement. Go. Stephen: Um, Mr. Eighth, I see you're now onto your um, is this your, in fact your fifth, um I'm not sure. I missed two of them. I was away interviewing other, other wives, but I believe um, this is now the fifth wife you've brought out. Um, have you any thoughts on it? Griff: Uh, yeah. Oh, that's right. I've had five wives now. Well, I didn't have the sixth one; the church wouldn't let me. But I've had, yeah, that's right. I've had four and a half wives now. Stephen: Which, which one, which, which of the wives, because um, some of them, it seems to me, uh, have been rather short-lived. Griff: Yes, that's right, yes. Stephen: They've, they've, they've appeared in front of the public. They've, some of them have been very popular, indeed. Griff: That's right, yes. Stephen: But you've instantly turned your back on them. Griff: Yes. Stephen: Um, is your favorite wife always the one you've just finished? Um. Griff: No, well, I mean, no, no. There was three before what's-her-name, Catherine. Stephen: Yes. Yes. Griff: Three and a half, yes. Stephen: Um, Catherine rather lost her frontispiece, didn't she? Griff: That's right, yeah. Stephen: Yes. Griff: And I can't, that's right, somehow they seemed too long to me, you see? Stephen: Yes. Griff: I thought they needed editing. Stephen: That's right. Yes. It makes a sorry-looking countenance. Griff: That's right. I thought really they was sort of, you know, a bit, you know over-length somehow. Stephen: Yes. Griff: So I sort of took the axe to them. You know what I mean? Well, not me personally, obviously! You know? Stephen: Yes. I believe the abridged version is now uh visible on Tower Gate. Griff: That's right. Yes. Stephen: Yes. Griff: Yes, that's Anne Boleyn. That's the one. Stephen: That's right. Proving a very, very popular attraction. Griff: Oh, yeah. Stephen: Henry the Eighth, thank you very much. Thank you. Griff: Well, okay, that's lovely. Stephen: I don't think he's going to buzz us. Well, I think a definite ten points to Stephen there, and uh, twenty-five for Griff for playing Henry the Eighth as a costermonger for no obvious reason. Griff: I've only got two voices. Yes. Well, well do rush on to the other one, Griff. Now... Griff: I'm savin' that up for the finale. If you're still here. Couples Now, we're going to, we're now going to obviously swap round to John and Kate. Uh, could be a different sort of roll for them. They're going to be enacting a scene for us, a simple scene with John proposing to Kate. So, if you'll start off in that style, and then I'll buzz as we've done in previous games and get the audience to suggest some famous couples who could be enacting this scene, something like, you know, like Romeo and Juliet or something like that, or real people, or just two people that go together. But just start off, if you would, just playing the part of somebody proposing to his girl. John: Paulette, um. Kate: Yeah. John: Now to... Kate: giggle John: snort Kate: unintelligible You're just a looney. John: No. I'm a bit, I'm a bit, bit bizarre. Kate: I know, but I just love you. You're so fun, but just looney. buzz Okay. Famous couple? : John McEnroe & Tatum O'Neal. John McEnroe & Tatum O'Neal. Yeah. John: Do I what? Kate: I said "What do you want to say to me?" You know you keep looking so angry. John: You goddamn know what I want to say to you. It's predictable. buzz Another couple? : Den & Angie. Den & Angie. Kate: Oh, go on, say it. Oh go on, I know Denny, really. Go on. John: I blew it the first time. Kate: Oh, go on, Den. Oh. John: I just wonder whether... Kate: Oh, Den. John: If we married again... Kate: Oh, Den. John: You could... buzz Another couple? : Ronnie and Nancy. Ronnie and Nancy. Would that be the Reagans? Yes. Ronnie and Nancy. John: That day I took you up the aisle and you, well, you know, looked like I was gonna marry you... Kate: Yes, Ronnie? John: Looks like I got it wrong and married the font instead. So we're gonna have to do it again, ol' cupcake. Kate: Ronnie, how can I be sure? buzz Another? : Maggie & Dennis. Maggie, Maggie & Dennis John: Well, go on, for gods' sake, Dennis. Go on, say it. For heaven's sake, I don't have to tell you what to do all the time, do I? Kate: I, um, I was just wondering whether we've been... John: Yes. Kate: We've been sort of fencing together, and I'm asking... John: For gods' sake, get on with it, man. Kate: I was just wondering whether you wanted to go the whole way, you know, and sort of live in the same house and so share an account? John: As long as you... buzz Another couple? : Victoria & Albert. Victoria & Albert? Isn't that a museum? Okay, a last one to finish with? : Kermit & Miss Piggy. Kermit & Miss Piggy, yeah. Kate: Ohhhh, Kermie! John: Oh, I was wondering whether uh, what if I had a personality change and suddenly talk like a terrible American film character and stuff? Kate: All I can say is, "I will!" John: Well, let me get the frog spawn. buzz Okay, thank you very much. Okay, well, I'll, I'll give you ten points each there. A Great Debate So, we have another round here which is, which is a sort of newish game. We call it "A Great Debate", and it's going to be on nuclear disarmament. All four contestants are going to be debating nuclear disarmament, but they're going to do it in the role of a type of person uh, which you're going to suggest. So, have lots of different suggestions, because they're going to have one each. So, could we have a few suggestions, something like, um, I don't know, megalomaniacs seems like quite a good one, but any... I might give that to one of them. Sorry? : Footballers. Footballers. Okay, footballers. : Estate agents. Estate agents. Why is it everyone always yells out estate agents? Whatever thing we ask for. : Bedwetters. Bedwetters. Yeah. Is that uh, is that much from estate agents? Griff: Are we all bedwetters, or just one of us? It sort of borders estate agents, doesn't it? Griff: We're gonna have a flood here. Any other weird... footballers, I... Sorry? : Town criers. Town criers. Griff: Town criers? Town criers from the complete madman over there. Any, what was that one there? : Game show presenters. Game show presenters. : Manic depressives. Madrigal singers. No, no. We've got enough there. So, why don't, why don't we sort those out. Foot, John, you could do footballers, couldn't you? That'd be quite a good one. Yes, game show hosts for you, Kate. Um, I think megalomaniacs seems to fit Griff rather well. Griff: Hang on, hang on, hang on. You suggested megalomaniac! Oh, well I'm allowed to, I'm allowed to contribute, aren't I? Griff: You suggested it. Alright then Griff, Griff: You fed the audience that! Alright, alright, well if you're going to be so uncooperative Griff, uh why don't you be a town crier then? Griff: Oh, f... So that just leaves me with um, I heard manic depressives, or am I making that up? Uh yes, Stephen, can you be a manic depressive? Stephen: Yes. Yes. So I'm just going to dodge around amongst you as you debate uh, nuclear disarmament. Can you start off, John? Nuclear disarmament as a footballer. John: I started very well, really, looking back, and, um, it's, it's really a question of whether they can keep them in, in the hole, you know. But if they stay in the hole and huddle together, you know... buzz Kate. Kate: Welcome to blind fate. Now, you know what? If you get rid of all them missiles, oh, you're gonna have a lotta lotta war, aren't you? D'you know that? buzz Stephen. Stephen: Well, you know, you get rid of some of the bastards, and the other ones they just replace it with other ones, but then on the other hand, you know, it's not a bad idea. buzz Griff. Griff: Blalang. Blalalalalang. Blalalang. Now hear this! Now hear this! buzz Kate. Kate: What're you gonna do if you get rid of all them weapons, cuz those women have been commandeered, they're not gonna have anywhere to sleep at night, are they, oh no. buzz John. John: You see, they can start off with a three part and a two part and another three part, but at the end of the day you've gotta follow through, you know? buzz Stephen. Stephen: Oh, I don't know, it just pisses me off. buzz Kate. Kate: Aw, yeah, well, you see, it's all very well, you know, but... buzz Griff. Griff: Gorbachev back in the White House! Gorbachev back in the White House! buzz John. John: Well, since I, since I moved to my bay house, moved to my bay house, you know, it's a good place for to play football and all that. buzz Griff. Griff: Bomb drops on footballer! buzz Well, that'll do. That... Griff: No harm done. Kate: Hang on a minute. I have a joke about a perestroikas to go with. : BOO! Kate: Footballers... Pair o' strikers... Well, lucky we didn't have time for it. So, I think we'll go ahead and end there. That was a very good end point to come to. And I think uh, ten points each there, and a bonus of twenty for Griff for being so objectionable. Bad Applicants Category:Radio Episodes Category:Annotated transcripts